Friday, December 5, 2014

hole

tell me if it's easy to be in my shoes. it's much tougher for my mom. i knew that.

i'm not sure if i'm ok. but i know i miss ayah. like, there's a lot to tell him. it would be better if he's around. 


maybe it's Allah who gave me a piece of His strength to still standing, smiling and joking around.

i'm ok. i told my self.

but i know, deep in my heart, there's a big hole to fill in, which no one can ever fit in.

i haven't get over it. i won't get over it. i'll always miss him.

tell me this strong girl is forever ayah's little girl. forever will be.



Sunday, November 30, 2014

a last goodbye to ayah

bismillahirahmanirahim.

it was just another day for everyone, but i have to say that i went through the toughest week in my life. a period where i have to struggle with my emotions and standing strong like i should do. those moments that i'll never forget, forever.

rasa macam mimpi. i cried a lot, waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare, but then i realized it is all real, and i have to face it, cz i never thought of losing ayah forever, not this fast.

i was scared when i heard the news. "denggi berdarah and liver is not functioning well". death was the only thing in my mind sepanjang perjalan aku balik KL.

hati anak mana yang tak rabak, bila tengok ayah kau terlantar, with all the wires and machinery. tengok ayah kau tak sedar, but he could listen to you. bila bercakap dengan dia, mengalir air mata ayah. Allah. sedih. sayu. takut.

everytime aku dapat jumpa ayah, aku bisik tepi telinga ayah.

La Ilahaillallah. ayah jangan takut. Allah ada.
you have to be strong. ayah jangan risau pasal kiteorang.
semua ada dekat sini, sayang ayah.

tak pernah aku cakap tanpa terketar-ketar.

memang dah jadi norm kami untuk kiss and wish parents goodnight everyday. tapi kali ni, setiap kali aku wish, aku takut, kalau kalau itu the last time i wished him goodnight.

dan bila doc cakap ayah was fighthing with his life, kaki aku ketaq. rasa tak boleh berdiri. aku terus tarik adik adik aku yang umur 8 and 4, ikut aku pergi surau, solat. aku takut. takut sangat.

but as a believer, aku percaya dengan janji Allah.

Allah tak akan membebani kita dengan dugaan di luar kemampuan kita.
Allah dah janji, tiada penyakit yang tiada penyembuhnya kecuali mati.
Allah dah janji, semua yang hidup pasti akan mati.
Allah dah bagitahu lama dah, semua benda dekat dunia ni, pinjaman semata-mata.

sekarang Allah cuma tuntut janji janji itu.

biasanya orang baik pergi dulu, Allah sayang. 20 nov 2014, dekat luh mahfuz Allah dah tetapkan, hambaNya, mohd faizul salleh akan berjumpa denganNya, memasuki alam lain.

hari khamis tu, aku kena balik shah alam. but aku dah janji dengan ayah, malam aku balik. another day with bacaan yaseen sambil tangan terketar ketar pegang yaseen. sebab doc cakap he was recovring, aku decide untuk balik kejap. kejap je, tapi, bila sampai je shah alam, my mom called. suruh balik cepat. Allah. i couldnt stand still anymore. aku call Ezul yang baru je hantar aku untuk amik aku balik. sempat jumpa Ayah.

i saw my dad's heartbeat berkurang, sikit demi sedikit. from 110, 100, 98, 97.....i just have to be prepared.mama suruh aku keluar, jumpa orang untuk wakil mama, dan lepas tu nurse panggil kami masuk. ayah dah nak habis umur. adik oyeen takut tengok ayah. dia tak nak kiss ayah. adik tasnim menangis. dalam pukul 830 malam, ayah tinggalkan kami.

ayah tinggal mama, tinggal kakak, tinggal angah, tinggal awat, tinggal tasnim, tinggal qhaireen.

a hole that can only be covered with memories. a big hole that no one can fit in.

tapi, ayah pergi dengan tenang. diiringi bacaan yaseen dekat luar. diredhai keluarga dia. ayah pergi malam jumaat. Alhamdulillah, semua berjalan dengan lancar. everything was so smooth.

malam tu, aku naik van jenazah dengan mama. teman ayah mama balik rumah, for the very last time. by the time sampai rumah, subhanAllah, ramainya orang. ramainya mendoakan ayah. ramainya iringi ayah. Allahuakbar. waktu tu, aku tahu, ayah orang baik. ramai sayang ayah, doakan ayah. aku lega.

malam tu jugak, mama, aku, angah, awat, kami tidur keliling ayah. for the very last time. lepas ni ayah dah tak ada. aku nak spent masa dengan ayah.

aku cuba nak jadi kuat. tiba tiba, tasnim tanya aku: kakak, ayah meninggal sampai bila?
Allahu. aku tak tau nak cakap macam mana . aku terdiam. she is just 8. tapi, i have to be strong, for my mom, my sisters, my brother.

esok tu, alhamdulillah, urusan semua sekejap je. ayah selamat dikebumikan before solat jumaat. ramai sangat datang. aku nak menangis tengok kawan kawan lama ayah. gang ayah dekat itm. he was one of them, now ayah dah tak ada.

but i know, ayah in a better place. subhanAllah. husnul khatimah. itu yang kita cari. i shouldn't be risau pasal ayah. ayah dah pergi dengan elok. cuma kita, yang masih hidup ni, macam mana pengakhiran kita. i shouldn't be sad. it is all written.

cuma aku sedih bila teringat memori. his random phone calls, his loyal ears, his lame jokes, his advices, his love, especially.

dan aku sedih, ayah tak sempat tengok tasnim oyeen besar. tak sempat tengok aku konvo hari rabu lepas, tak sempat  tengok aku kerja, tak sempat nak jadi wali aku, tengok aku kahwin, tak sempat buat banyak benda dengan aku. but again, Allah loves him more.

yes, i am sad. but life must go on. my finals would be on this coming 1 and 2nd dec, or tomorrow sebenarnya. aku kena belajar, and ace in my exams (which is hard actually). now, its my turn to help mama, jaga adik adik macam mana ayah pernah jaga aku dulu. it is all written. ayah pergi bila aku dah mula matang sikit, angah and awat pun. and my mom, angah and awat, they are very strong. im so proud of them.

Allah itu adil. Allah selitkan kegembiraan kami dicelah celah kesedihan. i never imagined to get that much of moral support from my friends. kawan kawan ayah , dari jauh datang sejak ayah masuk icu. from johor to kedah, semua mai, for moral support, to pray for ayah and to give us the strength.

To all my friends yang datang and also yang keep on praying for him, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. Allah je dapat membalasnya. I feel so loved.

 and now, i really have to stand strong. I might not perform well in the things that i'll do,but i'll try my best. I will miss him but i know life must go on. Everything is written. And i should move on from this sadness, and do the things that i should do

 it's the same journey with a new story. May Allah ease our journey. Bismillah

 p/s : al fatihah to my beloved dad, Mohd faizul salleh (27/8/1971-20/11/2014). Im surely gonna miss you ayah. Love you.


Saturday, October 25, 2014

lari dan cari.

bila kau lari, kau tak tahu untuk apa kau lari tapi kau terus lari.
bila kau berhenti, kau penat, dan waktu tu kau baru terfikir kenapa kau lari.
rupanya, kau lari dari diri sendiri. lari mencari diri juga.

aku hilang. dalam diri aku sendiri.

cari cari mana kau pergi
cari cari hati yang mati
cari cinta yang abadi
cari diri yang tidak hakiki.

hipokrisi.